Newark Star-Ledger, May 23, 2004
By Peggy O'Crowley, Star-Ledger Staff
As sexual standards and practices loosen - with same-sex marriage in
the headlines - and as kids are exposed to a hyper-sexual culture at younger
ages, experts suspect a new behavior among teenage girls may be developing.
An increasing number of high school girls and coeds, they say, may
be experimenting with same-sex relationships or acting suggestively with
each other in a bid to attract the opposite sex. Experts who deal with
adolescents don't know how to explain it, even though such behavior can be
seen on MTV and in other youth-oriented media.
Whatever the reason, however, the behavior appears to be happening
in suburbia, at parties where school- and college-age girls kiss each other
suggestively in front of boys.
On campus, in schools like Rutgers University in New Brunswick,
where young women who experiment with same-sex relationships are known as
BUGs - Bisexual Until Graduation.
In urban centers such as Newark, where girls who say they are
bisexual or lesbian hang out at the "gay corner" at Broad and Market streets
or crowd into the Friday night dance parties at the African Globe Theatre.
Interviews with dozens of young women, high school health and
classroom teachers, psychologists and other experts who work with teenagers
indicate that more girls and young women are identifying themselves as
lesbian or bisexual.
"I'm hearing more of this in my practice," said Karen Zager, a
psychologist in Manhattan and Westchester County and co-author of "The
Inside Story on Teen Girls" (American Psychological Association, $12.95).
"A lot of kids are much more free to say, 'I think I'm bisexual.' It's
almost a badge of honor to be experimenting that way.
"Forty years ago, smoking a cigarette in the school bathroom was
bad," said Zager, who pointed out that, today, not even smoking pot is
considered risk-taking. But she conceded that "in the process of teenagers
defining themselves, this is a new frontier."
"I've heard of this, although I don't know how widespread it is,"
said the Rev. Deborah W. Haffner, a Unitarian Universalist minister and teen
sexuality expert who wrote "From Diapers To Dating" and "Beyond the Big
Talk," both guides for parents. "Among some kids, it's the new way to act
out and shock their parents."
"Anyone who went to boarding school years ago knows that something
like this has always gone on," said psychiatrist Gabrielle Shapiro, an
associate professor of clinical psychiatry at the University of
California-San Diego Medical Center, who treats adolescents. "In the teen
years, it's in the range of normal for same-sex experimentation. But it
used to be behind closed doors. Now kids are seeing stars kiss each other."
That kiss, of course, is the steamy smooch between pop stars Madonna
and Britney Spears at last year's MTV Video Music Awards show.
But the cultural signs of change go beyond that: the debate over gay
marriage, the growing acceptance of lesbians Rosie O'Donnell and Ellen
DeGeneres as role models, and a television show like "The L Word," about a
group of lesbians in L.A., have made it easier for some young women to
acknowledge their sexual orientation.
A best-selling poster popular among college students, "The Kiss" by
photographer Tanya Chalkin, shows two scantily clad young women lying in bed
kissing. In a recent episode of "The Gilmore Girls," college girls on
spring break tell Rory and her friend Paris that if they kiss each other,
they'll bring the boys around. They do, and it does. A Russian pop duo,
Tatu, features two young women who say they are lovers. And MTV and other
programs aimed at youth show same-sex interaction among girls on spring
break specials and other programs.
"In high school, a lot of girls were saying they were lesbian or
bisexual," said Kelly Goutot of Denville, who graduated from high school
last year in Fryeburg, Maine. "I have no idea why."
"The waitresses where I work are doing it right in front of the
cooks," said Melissa Powkowski, 22, of Butler, who works at a chain
restaurant in Fairfield. "They're doing it for attention."
The behavior has led to new terms like "heteroflexible" and
"gayish," which experts say indicates an increasing acceptance of such
experimentation.
"Fad is a difficult word; it's not a trend or fad, but they are more
fluid with their sexuality," said Kate McCarthy, the school health
coordinator for the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the
United States, based in New York.
"A lot of girls are being sexual with other girls," agreed Elizabeth
Schroeder, a Montclair adolescent health consultant who, like McCarthy,
travels around the country training health teachers and talking to
adolescents.
Just as these young women defy stereotype, so do the reasons for
their sexual experimentation. With the backdrop of the debate over gay
marriage and with mainstream television shows like "Will and Grace" comes an
increasing acceptability of homosexuality that allows teenagers to come out
at earlier ages or to experiment with same-sex relationships.
At the same time, some young women reject a culture that emphasizes
sex over relationships, in which girls are called "bitches" and exploited in
rap lyrics. Some experts say these women, especially urban, minority girls,
are turning to each other in the search for relationships instead of
one-night stands.
Paradoxically, a sexually saturated media, constantly looking to
push the envelope, is depicting sexual activity between girls - a
voyeuristic male sexual fantasy and a staple of pornography - as edgy but
more mainstream.
As more images of "girl-on-girl action" are seen on shows like MTV's
spring break specials, the more high school- and college-aged girls are
seeming to emulating it, young women said.
"It's very common to see girls making out at parties," said Brandie
Engelberger of Cedar Knolls, a 20-year-old junior at Rutgers in New
Brunswick. "I think it's an attention-getting thing; they are doing it to
provoke the guys. They only do it in front of guys. We call them BUGs -
bisexual until graduation."
The idea that lesbianism or bisexuality is a trend (what in the past
has been called lesbian chic) is disturbing to gay activists. They argue
that sexual orientation is not a choice, and many worry the progress they've
made in gaining acceptance will be eroded if lesbianism is viewed as a fad
or a way to titillate men. Some dismiss the idea of an increase in
bisexuality among girls, saying there is no data to back it up. Many
suggest the change is due more to gay youth identifying at younger ages.
"I don't know that we are seeing more (gay) young people today. I
don't think there's more experimentation going on," said Craig Bowman,
executive director of the National Youth Advisory Coalition, a Washington,
D.C., youth advocacy group. "They are more willing to talk about it and
coming out at younger and younger ages. Anecdotally, we've seen it (the age
of coming out) drop significantly. In 1995, the average age of kids
starting to identify as gay was 18 and, by 2000, it was 15."
More parents of teenagers are attending meetings of the North Jersey
Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gays, or PFLAG, said member Nan Bloom.
While in the past most parents at the meetings had adult children, ages 20
and up, "we've been seeing it skewing to parents in their 40s with
teenagers."
Hannah Lieberman of Westfield, a member whose son is gay, agreed:
"When I came in, I was the only one with a kid. In the last several years,
we've seen a change."
Even if adolescents don't identify as gay, they seem to feel more
free to experiment.
"Kids are always in the business of questioning." said the Rev.
Robin Capoor, an affiliate minister at the Orange Unitarian-Universalist
Church, who runs Rainbows on Cleveland Street in Orange, a support group for
teens who are gay, lesbian, bisexual or questioning their sexual identity.
"They need to try on different hats, and some of these options were never
included in the list. Now things are starting to shift."
While gay youth may be more open, most teenagers and adults who work
directly with kids believe there is more than that going on.
Adolescent psychiatrist Mark Wellek, past president of the American
Society for Adolescent Psychiatry, is certain there has been no increase in
homosexual adolescents, and he also questioned whether same-sex
experimentation is more prevalent, since there is no empirical data to prove
it.
He said, however, that girls who do this are not so much looking for
attention from boys, but are doing it "as a way of risk-taking and a way of
mastering the mechanics of relationships. The stakes are not as high with
girls than boys. Relating to boys is a tricky matter. Boys' brains at 15,
16, 17 are not as developed as girls'."
Whatever the reason, urban girls also are openly displaying same-sex
sexual behavior. On a recent afternoon in Newark, gaggles of girls began to
gather at the busy northeast corner of Broad and Market streets. This
little patch of sidewalk is known as "Gay Corner," where dozens of young
women appear after school on a nice day. It's also the spot where Sakia
Gunn, a 15-year-old lesbian, was stabbed to death on May 11 of last year.
Gunn, with her friends, was waiting for a bus when a man approached them.
One of the girls said they were lesbians, and Gunn was stabbed.
An emotional vigil held two weeks ago at the spot drew hundreds of
young lesbians, Gunn family members and others.
On an typical day, however, the young women greet each other with
hugs and shouts, chatting and roughhousing a bit. Some wear
rainbow-patterned dog tags, belts, bracelets or shoe laces. Some are
dressed like young men - baggy jeans, white T shirts down to their knees,
baseball cap on backwards, which denotes their status as "AGs" or aggressive
girls.
"I want the best of both worlds," said LaShonda Moore, 18, a West
Side High School senior, explaining her bisexuality.
At West Side High School in Newark, where Gunn attended class,
students say many female students claim to be lesbians or bisexuals.
Newark's high schools have responded to the situation by increasing
staff training to help teachers and students deal with it. School dress
policy - which bans any signs of group affiliation, such as gang colors -
now also bans gay pride rainbow-colored accessories. Nonetheless, when
girls leave the school grounds, they don rainbow pinkie rings, skinny
rainbow belts and rainbow scarves.
"We don't have numbers, but because this is coming up sporadically
in some incidents, we are trying to get our staff aware," said Shirley
Grundy, director of student services. The district has been working with
the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network - GLSEN, pronounced
glisten - a national gay youth advocacy group whose staff has been
conducting some training sessions.
Teens themselves say, for the most part, gay and bisexual females
are accepted in school. Many say they have known about their attraction to
women since grade school and have no questions about their orientation.
"People just choose to be that way," 16-year-old Venice Brown said
with a shrug. Venice, a West Side junior who said she is an AG, has been
aware of her identity for years.
Lisa Artis, 16, another West Side junior who said she is
heterosexual, said about half the girls at school say they are gay, although
she doesn't believe all are truly homosexual.
"I think they are experimenting, and it's everybody following the
leader. I think they'll change when they get out of high school," she said.
In the meantime, "that just leaves the rest of us with a better chance with
the guys."
Many in the lesbian community say becoming homosexual because of a
bad experience with men is a myth promoted by homophobic straights. But
some young women say they are lesbian or bisexual because they are tired of
being used sexually by young men.
"I don't like boys; too many things have happened in the past. I
love females and I identify with them," said Dominique Hargrove, 16, a West
Side junior.
Bilal Prestige, who promotes gay and lesbian social events in
Newark, including a roller skating evening on Wednesdays in Branch Brook
Park, said girls are attracted to girls because they share their emotions
and treat each other well. "Girls treat girls like jewels. Guys don't know
how to treat them," he said.
Many of these young women are experimenting, said Greg Guverian, a
board member of the northern New Jersey chapter of GLSEN, who talks to teens
often.
"There's a difference between behavior and identity. Some kids are
doing the behaviors without the identity. I think there's a flexibility.
At 14, you can be bisexual; at 16, a lesbian; at college, straight. It
deflates a lot of categories we've all grown up with," he said.
Some teenagers believe many so-called bisexual girls are just doing
it to get attention from the guys. Girls hooking up with other girls is
becoming more common at college and high school parties, they say. And much
of it is influenced by shows that push the boundaries of acceptable behavior
for young women, in which they are urged to expose their breasts or kiss
other women while leering guys cheer them on.
The increasingly sexually explicit media have caused children and
teenagers to become sexually stimulated at earlier ages than in previous
generations, said Wallek, who has a practice in Phoenix. "Freud identified
the latency (pre-sexual) period as between 7 to 12, but now kids are
developing at 10," he said. "Girls in middle schools are performing oral
sex."
While hooking up at parties is viewed as edgy or cool, some high
school students and teachers said adolescents who truly are gay or lesbian
would probably not get such a benign reception.
Katie Cronin, 17, the founder of the Gay Straight Alliance at
Chatham High School, said she has never seen girls together at parties but
has heard of it through the grapevine.
"I think it happens when they're drunk or high in a party situation.
If it's two straight girls, it's okay; they just do it to arouse guys. It's
very acceptable for women to do that, but unacceptable for males," said
Cronin, who said she organized the group because she has gay relatives and
wanted to support them. For lesbians, "there's a stereotype that women
might be more masculine. I'm sure this would make it harder for them to
come out," said Cronin, a senior.
Gay youth advocates like Guverian and Bowman said they have been
hearing reports of a backlash against gay youth, perhaps in reaction to the
gay marriage debate and the abolition of sodomy laws in Texas. A popular
slang expression amongst teens, "that's so gay," is negative, and calling
someone a "faggot" is still a common insult. And a lesbian student in the
new movie "Mean Girls" is socially shunned by the in crowd.
Many teens agreed that parents are clueless about what their
children are up to, since most of the action takes place at home parties
when parents are not around.
Parents need to talk about sexuality with their kids, Shapiro
advised. "I think it's important to talk openly," she said, noting that
it's not unusual for teenagers to be curious about the same sex.
"And parents should talk about what's going on in the media," she
added. "Cultural pressure to do this because their peers are doing it is of
concern. The kids should be telling MTV if they're uncomfortable with it."
And, she said, parents should exercise the same control over their
kids as they do to help them steer clear of drinking or smoking at parties:
An adult should be around to chaperone any social event.
"Parents need to clarify what their values are. Maybe some would be
comfortable. Others might say, 'I'm concerned about your reputation and
that is an unwise thing to do,'" Haffner said. "It's important for teens to
understand their behaviors give a message."
. Staff writer Peggy O'Crowley covers family issues. She can be
reached at (973) 392-5810 or e-mail her at pocrowley@starledger.com.
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